Somewhat quieter…

The latest series of major work events has passed. I’m in the ebb.

Still struggling to find a place between plow ahead get things done activity and collapsing into traumatised retreat. The grief leaps out at unexpected moments, and I sense that one way I’m protecting myself from it is by blanking out, abstracting the circumstance. A blessing is the patience of my friends, who have been available at those few points where I’ve felt that I could handle company.

P’s friends are legion; he was a committed correspondant, talker, connector. I myself hide out, cut myself off, and allow trivialies to grow into into huge guilt fueled dramas in my head, leaving friends hurt and confused.

While we were together I relied on him to prod me out into the world, to make me keep in touch, to move beyond my fears. In the wake of his death, my own lapses as a friend are brought vividly before my eyes. Hopefully some of those can be ameliorated.


  1. well i know one thing .. i care about and love all that i know of you so far and that includes lapses , hopes, guilt, ponderings, dirty talk, dreaming, abstractions and all. it’s a whole package thing you know.

  2. May I say I’m glad to see the tides of sorrow receding. It really hurts to see a friend of yours suffer, particularly one you rely on to be strong when you can’t be. Which, fortunately, isn’t too frequent, but it’s frequent enough.

  3. We have not met Nayland,

    But I do wish you a return to your complete self as soon as you feel the need for it. I would enjoy running into you at one of your coffe shop haunts someday and just chatting.

    Perhaps someday!

    Best wishes and big non-bear hugs.


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