I can’t believe it’s been five days since I’ve posted. My thinking is muzzy, my eye catching on the mealy nectarine in front of me, the tv static pattern of the grey industrial carpet tiles, the spilled papers at the periphery of my desk. None of it adds up. I feel like I’ve been thrown for a loop, yet nothing very traumatic has happened.
Things that could account for my current distraction:
1) Going rapidly from very little available cash to feeling flush – in other words I was broke on Friday, got paid Saturday and received extra unexpected money on Monday, a dangerous situation for me, since it encourages me to feel like I’ve had to deny myself, and so now I need to splurge. Thus is a pattern that I would constantly fall into during my days of big debting.
2) My therapist ended our session with an acute insight on Friday, the kind that makes me have that despairing feeling that I know what’s the right thing to do and yet am dreading doing it.
3) I’ve spent the last four days wandering in and out of electronics and book stores (see 1 above). I often used to use retail environments to soothe and drug myself, surrounding myself with things I could pick that would never reject me.
4) I got new blood work done today for the first time in 5 months. When I see the results, I’ll know what the effect of the new dietary and activity regimes have been.
5) My nipples still hurt from somebody’s birthday celebration.
6) There are two pork chops in the fridge that have been sitting there three days and I don’t know if it’s still ok to cook them. I am, I think, unduly paranoid about how long food remains fresh, becoming convinced that something must have gone off simply because I haven’t paid attention to it consistently.
7) I finished reading “The Jane Austen Book Club” on Friday evening and began reading Thomas Disch’s “334” immediately afterward. The first made me apprehensive about my social life, and the second is making me depressed about my immediate surroundings.
8) The essay I worked on yesterday, that I meant to work on today, that I emailed to myself this morning, that I placed on my slim little removable hard drive (just to be certain) and carried to work with me, won’t open, because it’s saved in some inexplicable format, for a reason I can’t fathom.
9) I have messages waiting for me on every phone line.
10) there are fare too many postings on my friends list to allow me to figure out what I should read next.