Abundance, I suppose…

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Here’s a root I found on the street on top of a stool I found on the street.

An interesting effect of the changes I’ve been trying to make over the past few days: I notice how much time there actually is in my day, and how quickly that time vanishes once the TV goes on. Old news I know (and in part I sing this refrain every year about this time. The trick is how to make changes last once the stresses of the school year really kick in. I t shocked me yesterday when, after a very active day at work I got in the door to the apartment ready to get more accomplished, turned on the set “just to watch the Simpsons” and felt all the energy drain out of me for hours. My sense of that abundance of possibility in my life dribbled away. In part I was justifiably tired from a busy day at work. But there were other forces at play as well. I tried reading the New Yorker and just glazed over. The rains seem to be signalling the end of my long walks, and I need to find another vehicle for my musing. Otherwise, there is nothing to oppose to my long ingrained habit of distracting myself.

None of this is an absolute good mood or bad mood. Which is interesting. A temperate emotional climate has always been the hardest thing for me to achieve. I’d much ratrher have drama, or jubilance. I was taught that if there’s no huge crisis, there’s no attention forthcoming for me. And I guess there are things happening in my life that would qualify as crisis. But I don’t feel like riding that particular white horse these days, going into an emotional jag over them.

I’m trying not to let yesterday’s plummet happen again today. Trying to breathe on the subway, to take more pictures, to eat more carefully. To finish with a dish and to clean it. To be alert to the actualities around me and the pleasures they provide.

Thanks to everyone who offered good wishes on my post yesterday. We are the best evidence for each other that the universe is indeed abundant.

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